Reflection

I recently stumbled upon this blog.  I had almost forgot that I even had it.  Reading blog posts that I wrote 6 years ago is really neat, I wasn't even blogging as much as I was just keeping a diary/journal.  

I'm surprised at how clearly you can see my perspective of God through these few posts.  I definitely saw him as a good God, but distant, I seemed to believe that he spoke to us, but I had never experienced an encounter with Him, not to say that I have tons of magical encounters now, but He and I do talk now, you could say we're on a first name basis I guess.

As I write this I have been living in New York City for 1 year now.  If I told 6 years ago Andrew that he'd be living in New York in 6 years, I'm not sure what he would say.  I know he would immediately start trying to prepare for it.  But I'm also not sure if he would believe it.  You see I have never wanted to live here, and quite honestly I'm not sure that has changed since living here.  New York is one hell of a place, they say there's not another one like it, which is hard for me to imagine because this is the only large city that I've ever lived in.  

So much has happened since the last blog obviously: 6 years is a long time.  Especially going from freshman in college to being out of college for almost 3 years.  It'll be 3 years in December.  It's hard to believe.  But in 6 years, I've experienced heart break, friendship deeper than I've ever known, Love from a Father forgotten, a sinful cycle of shame and lust, lost, victory, defeat, hope, disappointment, despair, surprise, hope, I've gotten fired from a job, worked my first real job in sales, quit three jobs, stood in 4 weddings, 2 of them my closest friends, moved to New York and got a good job here. signed my first lease in New York, and then signed my second. I've moved over 5 times since graduating, never lived in the same room for longer than 12 months. Experienced the horror that is bed bugs in a New York apartment and those still aren't gone.

And now my theology is being radically changed by Catholic priests, and I love it. I've fallen in love with a Vineyard church that meets in an elementary school cafeteria, and it's one of the greatest places I've ever called my church family. 

Last night I met with my pastor, he and I are going to try to meet a couple times a month.  But he told me some things about myself that I've only ever thought or felt like I heard from God. It kind of blows my mind.

But one of the main things is that I am created to connect to people, and lots of times under the face of introversion I hide.  Not that I want to, but it just feels easier.  But I'm going to make an effort to change that for now on.  And I'm so excited.  But I will probably end up experiencing tons of disappointment.  But that's ok, I'll push through!  

Well that's all for now.  Let's see if I come back before 6 year passes again.

Love

Andrew

Unconditional Love

God loves us unconditionally, I am sure most of us have heard that, but usually beyond that its only our kids that we might love unconditionally ( not that I have any, but that's what I've heard).  So what about everyone else?  I mean Jesus loves everyone, and we are suppose to represent him aren't we?  So how do we love unconditionally?  I mean are we suppose to make ourselves feel that way?  In a book I once read there was a character who eventually tried to commit suicide and failed.  The thing was that no one like this character because he was always talking so much, he never shut up.  I mean this kid talked so much that everyone called him Mouth. The only kid who at least wasn't mean to mouth was the main character, at one point the main character was confessing to a friend that he felt bad because Mouth had tried to commit suicide, because he didn't like Mouth, he tried to be nice to Mouth, but he was just annoying.  The friend in the story told the main character, which is easier to be nice to someone because you like them or to be nice to someone because even though you don't like them its the right thing to do. 
     In Plato's philosophy he believed that no one had virtue, he believed that no one was virtuous.  But Plato believed that if you pretended to be virtuous enough, that eventually you would become virtuous.  So the only way to love people unconditionally I would say is to do just that, love or pretend to love them unconditionally, the actual feeling of love will eventually follow I believe.

Hmm...Church

So this whole blog thing, I really like the idea, but I don't know if its going to work out.  So often, I just don't feel like writing anything.  But I guess its always here for when I do feel like writing.  Being a college student and all I have looked at a few different churches in my area.  I did find one that I really like, but of course it is also lacking a few things in its theological department, but I still really like it.  This church is a Vineyard church, apparently its a denomination I guess you would say, thats not what they call it but for all tense and purposes its a denomination.  At the Vineyard things are done differently.  First, worship is a lot less scripted I guess you would say than normal.  They believe highly in just waiting for the Lord, or if they feel Him they will keep on playing the song.  Then after worship the any kind of emotion I guess is kind of died down, they try and not build up any hype during the sermon or after it.  Then there is not your traditional altar call, at the end of the service there is no music, but there may be a bit of prophetic ministry or there may be the ministry team ready to pray for anyone who wants it.  From talking to others about this church the only thing they seem to be missing is the Gospel.  They really never tell the gospel as the simple message, so I mean its a great place for Christians, but as far as doing ministry I am not sure how the church is.  I am under the impression that they believe that the job of the church is to disciple others and then the other go out into the world and make disciples of others as well.  And honestly I am not sure if that is biblical or not. There are so many things that I am unsure of; all I know how to do is stay on my toes. 
     I do prefer this church over two other churches that I visited.  One church seemed to have political battle going on between the younger and the older generation.  I was just repulsed by the undertone of that.  The church kind of felt hollow.  Another church I visited felt like they just put on a mask and were just faking worship.
    So I don't know, all of these are different from my home church, and I mean I guess the question is what should the real modern day church look like?  It seems to me that many of our churches have missed the point.  Have some made it?

What do you do with rocks?

     We all know the old saying:  When you are given lemons make lemonade.  Well what do you do when you are given rocks?  I mean my first reaction is to throw the rock back, haha.  But that probably wouldn't solve anything but start a fight.  So my conclusion is that you put the rocks in your pocket and get used to haveing a pain in your butt.
     I say that because I have been given some rocks.  You see I am a runner at CU, and in my training, I am trying to get about 60 miles a week or so.  So you could say that I cover some distance when training.  Well aparently all athletics have now been banned from running on the roads, we can only run on campus, sidewalks, and parks ( which we can't get to unless we drive to, which sounds kind of stupid since we are trying to run).  The whole team is actually pretty upset about it.  Apparently, though after talking to the Athletic Director, the mayor and police department of the city have been sending complaints, and the AD's hands are kind tied.  It looks as if we will not be regaining our privledge of running on the roads, at least not any time soon.  As a runner this is a very hard thing to deal with.  But as a team we are trying to stay positive, oh and also our number one runner just quit so that he can run next years season ( at a different school obviously) instead of this one where trainning may prove to be difficult.
    On a positive note I like my Monday, Wed., Fri, classes.  On a negative note, I don't like my Tues, Thurs classes, haha.  But life goes on, life goes on.

Being the Stud

For the most part, I am an intorvert.  I mean I like my alone time, I like small groups, feel alone in big groups, and feel drained after being surrounded by people.  But there are moments when I love to be the life of the party, I like to be the guy who seems always happy, who seems different from everyone else.  If its meeting new people, I am not shy at all because it is something I love to do.  When it comes to being thrown into a new group of people I love to start introducing myself, making jokes, and getting to know everyone.  In moments like those I feel like a stud, hehe.  I mean sometimes I wish I could be that guy all the time.  In those moment I feel cool, I feel appreciated, popular, admired.  Honestly, though, those times that I feel like that are very few.  Other times I wish I could be that guy, that guy making the jokes, directing the conversation, making the group fun.  In these other times I am usually on the sidelines with nothing to say.  And sometimes the reason I say nothing is because i have nothing to say. I don't make stuff up, I only speak when I have something to contribute.  With all that having been said,  today was a freshman orientation of sorts, and I was thrown in a group with all new people, and well needless to say I felt like the stud, hehe :)
     With college starting, and everything going on, I find myself overwhelmed with all the things that I need to pray about.  There is family, friends, finding an accountability partner, maybe finding a mentor, for the cross country team, temptation, a girl/girls, career choice, witnessing, meeting new people, getting a close group of Christian friends.... I mean really the list just goes on and on.  I mean how do you narrow down prayer?  All of those things are important things that I need to pray for, but there is so much.  I feel like there are so many different things going on in my mind that I don't know which I should focus on most at the moment, because they feel like almost all of them need top priority.  I guess I must have faith that the Holy spirit will intercede for me with groans and express the prayers that I can not.

Patience Anyone?

     So you know when you take a shower and then someone flushes a toilet on the floor above you and the water turns scalding hot?  Well in my shower to day that happened three times. Every time it happened I sounded like goofy when he gets hurt: whoohhooohhooohooo!
    Anyway on another note, lately there are a few things going on in my life that are incomplete, as in they aren't finalized or there isn't a commitment.  I am a person who like to just have things done so then I can move on to the next task, maybe that's my male characteristics showing themselves, but anyway that's how I am most of the time.  And right now I want to just be like ok, I'm going to do this and thats it, that way i have it decided and i can move on with life.  But I feel like God wants me to wait. I feel like he wants me to do that a lot, I always want to him to just tell me the order to do things in, so that i can take the list and get to work.  That isn't how God works, or not how he has in my life at least.  It is just that these things that I am dealing with are things that everyone else already has finalized I guess.  And you know when some conversations start and such you want to be included, and feel secure, and when you talk about how you haven't decided on something you feel like you are dumb and wrong.  It is hard waiting on God, its hard having faith that things will work out for the best if you just wait.  But that is sometimes what our Father calls us to do, even though sometimes its painfully hard, as it is right now for me.  I feel like I am just waiting for some kind of event or a certain time to pass before I am like ok God now I am deciding because enough time has passed, but even that is wrong.  We should wait on the Father to tell us, but I am just so obsessed with deadlines because that's what we are used to in the world that we live in.  *sigh*  Again, just be patient and have faith in our Father.

New People

That sounds like the name of a song doesn't it?  New People.  Anyway, I think the thing that I was most looking forward too when coming to college was meeting new people.  Its nice to get to know different personalities, and sometimes not so nice.  But its a change of pace, to make new and different connections.  I have met one girl, who has this way of talking that is just... just... dainty, I can't think of any other word that describes it.  Its just the most innocent voice you have ever heard, and its coming from a college student.  I love the way she talks.  Then there's another girl who is from Chicago, and its just so different, which in this case makes it fun to hear her speak.  Then today I met a guy named Chris, I met him in the shower.  We just started talking about training and such, and it was just kind of amazing to think that maybe God will introduce me to people even when I am least expecting it, like in the shower.  Although, currently I am sad that I haven't met any people who know God, or at least none that I know of or have become close friends with.  But I trust God to put those people in my life when he thinks its time that I need them.  Because I will need them.  "It is not good for man to be alone."  We need people, especially fellow Christians, as I was talking about the other day of how that mentor really encouraged me.  We all have our down periods.
     Sometimes I think we forget that even the great people have their struggles with their faith.  Look at Abram when he was going through Egypt he told pharaoh that Sarai was his sister for fear that he would be killed, rather than trusting in the Lord.  Or look at David who had an affair with Bathsheba and then murdered her husband because of his shame, or look at C.S. Lewis, who is more present day, after his wife, Joy, died he struggled with some of the very things that he had written about, for a year he was in a depression, he felt like he had shut the door on God.  Everyone struggles with their faith, even those who we believe don't, that is why God puts other Christians in our lives, to help support us and encourage us.